Sometimes I wonder who I am. I had it all figured out by the end of college. I was a Nickie. The people who knew me the best thought I was weird, dependable, and free. I just thought I was finally sane. That’s all I truly cared about. Sanity and friendship and love.
Then I left school and joined the real world. I started to value myself based on my job performance. And, that’s odd seeing that I wasn’t a great student in college. I didn’t give a rat’s ass then about my “job.” What happened? I didn’t really care if my professors approved of me. Well, I cared about theater. And, so I threw myself into it. I was good at theater and loved the applause that my shows got. I started to crave approval.
Well, actually, I went back to craving approval. Because, I’d cared all my life what people thought until college. And, I started caring again when I got back into theater. After theater, I was really good at marketing and now online marketing. And, that’s the basis of my self-worth. Online marketing. A field that completely changes every 3-6 months. Marketing. A field based on promoting things and companies regardless of their usefulness. This is the basis of my self-worth?
Now, I am trying to figure out my life by trying to figure out if I should stay in my job. Who gives a shit? That’s really what it comes down to. I need to value myself more than anything else. I need to stop defining myself by my job. Sanity, friendship, and love are still my highest priorities. And, yet I’ve let work push its way into the core of my being. I have to stop.
Perhaps if I can do that, I can allow myself to be happy. Perhaps I can just allow myself to be me again. I know that that’s what I miss from college. It’s not the partying or the classes or even the relative freedom from responsibility. I miss knowing who I am. I miss looking in the mirror and being at peace. I miss me.