Living my way into a few answers…

So, life has been in limbo-land for a while for me.  I think I'll share…  I got a great new job; but my husband's job went completely wrong and he finally agreed that we should move.  It was exactly what we'd been planning for years, but with awful timing. 

I found a lump in my breast two weeks ago and my doctor said he thought it was a tumor.  The question was whether or not it was benign.  So, I had to get an ultrasound.  I spent two weeks thinking about the meaning of my life and what I could do to improve things.  I evaluated each aspect of my life and came up with very few drastic changes that I'd need to make if I had cancer.  I figured out a healthier way of eating and exercising if it turned out to be the benign tumor that's harmless yet doubles your chances of developing cancer later.  And, I cried with my family over how scared shitless I was.

And now: My husband was offered both a job in Durham, NC and a promotion at his current job on the same day.  We talked for a long time and decided to stay here.  I think I'm finally ok with this area.  I've decided not to question the fact that work is so important to both of our senses of being.  We've finally made a freaking decision that feels right for both of us.  And, the ultrasound showed nothing.  Neither the technician nor the radiologist could feel or see the lump.  And, I don't feel it anymore either.  Hopefully I can stay on this healthy diet and keep exercising.

Things just seem to work out when they are supposed to.  It reminds me of this verse by Rilke:

I beg you… to have patience with everything unresloved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language.  Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them.  And the point is, to live everything.  Live the questions now.  Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer…

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