I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a fabulous spouse. I’ve never been tempted to count him as one of my kids like those awful jokes. I frequently see Facebook posts congratulating a husband for cooking a good meal once in a blue moon, or praising a father for “babysitting” his own kids one weekend afternoon.
Continued on Patch…
So, life has been in limbo-land for a while for me. I think I'll share… I got a great new job; but my husband's job went completely wrong and he finally agreed that we should move. It was exactly what we'd been planning for years, but with awful timing.
I found a lump in my breast two weeks ago and my doctor said he thought it was a tumor. The question was whether or not it was benign. So, I had to get an ultrasound. I spent two weeks thinking about the meaning of my life and what I could do to improve things. I evaluated each aspect of my life and came up with very few drastic changes that I'd need to make if I had cancer. I figured out a healthier way of eating and exercising if it turned out to be the benign tumor that's harmless yet doubles your chances of developing cancer later. And, I cried with my family over how scared shitless I was.
And now: My husband was offered both a job in Durham, NC and a promotion at his current job on the same day. We talked for a long time and decided to stay here. I think I'm finally ok with this area. I've decided not to question the fact that work is so important to both of our senses of being. We've finally made a freaking decision that feels right for both of us. And, the ultrasound showed nothing. Neither the technician nor the radiologist could feel or see the lump. And, I don't feel it anymore either. Hopefully I can stay on this healthy diet and keep exercising.
Things just seem to work out when they are supposed to. It reminds me of this verse by Rilke:
I beg you… to have patience with everything unresloved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer…
So, I just accepted a great new job. I can finally leave this ridiculous place where my boss and CEO has told me that I need to smile more, change my attitude, and be more likeable for the clients.
I really hate when people tell me to smile. I’m generally a happy person. And, when I’m not smiling at work or on the street, I’m probably deep in thought about the state of the world or whether or not I should buy a new pair of shoes. The person who yells “Smile, honey!” is not cute or helpful. It’s obnoxious. And, I can’t believe that I actually found myself in a job where my own supervisor would say this to me. He also told a co-worker to look at him while he spoke to her. It’s just time to get the hell out of here before I start to scream.
So, I found a great new job. And, the day I accepted it (last Thursday), my husband told me that he’s about to have very bad things happen at work and he may no longer have a job. So, this is the perfect time to get out of this over-priced D.C. suburban hell to which we’ve grown accustomed. I’ve wanted to move for years. This is fantastic.
Except that I don’t want to move anymore. And, I don’t want to give up my great new job. And, I don’t at all want to move to Pittsburgh where my husband has found his own great new job leads. We agreed that we’ll have kids soon. We agreed that it’s best to move somewhere that his job would support us and I could stay home.
And, now, I just want out of this cute little “happily ever after” story. I love my husband. It’s been three years and I still love him and want to be with him. But, I would really like to be selfish right now.